Liz: Wow, this is an honor. I have a friend who is number four on Maxim’s list of “The Sexiest Women in Comedy.”
Jenna: Thanks. At first I was mad that Jessica Simpson was ahead of me, but then I saw The Dukes of Hazzard. Funny!

Jack: Lemon, I would like to teach you something. I would like to be Michelle Pfeiffer to your angry black kid who learns that poetry is just another way to rap.

Tracy: [speaking loudly to the television] Television on! Pornography!

Jenna: If the president is so serious about the war on terror, why doesn’t he hunt down and capture Barack Obama before he strikes again?

Liz: [asking about the liquid being applied to Jenna’s legs] What is that? Baby oil?
Jenna: Actually, they use salad dressing, because it gets a better sheen.

Liz: Well you look happy. Somebody just have a root beer float?
Jack: No, Josh’s contract is up. Which means its time for my favorite thing in the world, negotiation. The essence of capitalism, there’s nothing like it. God I wish there was somebody I could negotiate with right now.

Jack: I can’t wait to go mano-a-mano with Josh.
Liz: Right, I think you mean mano-a-toddler.

Jack: [about Josh] He’s going to try to grab all the marbles and it’s our job to hide them.
Liz: That’s not how you play marbles Jack.
Jack: But thats how you keep them.

Tracy: I love this cornbread so much I want to take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.

Tracy: I love Halo so much, I want to take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant. [entourage laughs]
Kenneth: Why are you laughing so hard? It’s just the same joke he said earlier.
Tracy: That can’t be right. I like to keep my material fresh. I like it so fresh I want to take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.

Tracy: Grizz is in charge of sitting on me when I get over-stimulated.

Liz: Jenna, have you read your interview yet?
Jenna: Uh, no. Did I come as interesting? Because I tried to mention Bono as much as possible…

Jack: Jenna is going to make a public apology tomorrow on ‘Hardball’. You know what that is, don’t you?
Jenna: Yes. Should I prepare a song?
Jack: I really can’t wait to re-negotiate your contract.
Jenna: Thank you sir.

Liz: Jack said advertisers love you because you test great with women aged 12-24.
Josh: Which advertisers? Could I get free Chocosticks?

Tracy: Grizz, I think it’s best you come sit on me.

Liz: Obama — you support Barrack Obama. Remember you liked those pictures of him at the beach?
Jenna: Oh, right. Obama, what is he? Hispanic?
Liz: No, he’s black.
Jenna: And he’s running for President? Good luck.

Liz: Is this new furniture?
Jack: This is my negotiation set.

Jack: You know what’s absurd? These photos I found of Josh roughhousing with Lance Bass at Sea World.
Josh: What? We were just being silly.

Jack: Here’s the plan. We’re going to take Jenna, put some flags behind her, have her sing a song that rhymes ‘USA’ with ‘make them pay’, dress her in an eagle costume and we’re going to call it a salute to the troops episode.

Jack: My offer is now 75 cents.
Josh: [to his agent] It keeps getting lower, I think we should take it.

Liz: [to Josh] You were opening for a puppet when I found you!

Dot Com: Do you want to go to Vegas & buy a bunch of sarcophagi?
Tracy: Nah. I don’t even use the ones I have.

Frank: These are the sexiest women in comedy? Where’s Jackée?

This article was posted on Monday, September 3rd, 2007 at 10:48 am and is filed under the category Quotes. You can follow any responses to this article through the RSS 2.0 feed.